90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings: Week 29 – 30 Rock Special

Following a week in which:
– David McGoldrick FINALLY scored.
– Virgil van Dijk FINALLY made a mistake.
– The Portuguese league season FINALLY ended.
– Football fans FINALLY found out just how pointless FFP is.
We at 90min, using quotes from Tina Fey’s classic comedy 30 Rock, rank the 15 best teams in Europe.
“Here’s some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it’s Shark Week.”
Despite having literally nothing to play for, Sassuolo are playing like they have literally everything to play for.
In the past week alone they’ve beaten Lazio (who are now sh*t), and mounted an incredible comeback to draw 3-3 with Juventus. Impressive stuff.
“Oh, yeah, for now. But the Beeper’s gonna be making a comeback. Technology’s cyclical.”
Oh, yeah, Arsenal aren’t a particularly good football team, for now. But with five players under 20 scoring for them in the Premier League this season, they could be set to make a comeback.
Football’s cyclical.
“We have a show tonight. I’ve never missed a show. Not even the time I had that virus they kept saying only raccoons get.”
Atletico Madrid might be the most boring team to watch in the history of mankind, but you can’t fault their work ethic. They’re dialled in week in, week out and never give less than 100%…because if they did Diego Simeone would probably behead them.
“Listen up fives, a ten is speaking.”
There are plenty of five out of ten footballers playing for Tottenham at the moment.
Eric Dier, Ben Davies, Harry Winks…the list goes on and on and on.
But they also have a ten in their ranks.
His name is Harry Kane, he’s scored 201 club goals, and if his ankles hold up he’ll score another 201 more.
“Lemon, you look terrible, and I once watched you eat oysters while you had a cold.”
Juventus, you look terrible, you haven’t won in three and you’ve conceded more goals this season than you have in any of the last eight.
How are you still top of the league? How?!
‘Lazio and Inter are bottlers.’
Oh yeah…fair enough.
“I didn’t get a bathroom door that looks like a wall by not being good at business.”
Barcelona didn’t get to the point where they needed an €800m loan from Goldman Sachs by not being good at business…they got to that point by being absolutely hopelessly bad at business.
“Factories provide three things this country desperately needs: jobs, pride, and material for Bruce Springsteen songs.”
Sheffield United provide three things the Premier League desperately needs: overlapping centre backs, David McGoldrick and an underdog we can all route for.
“I only pass gas once a year, for an hour, atop a mountain in Switzerland.”
Virgil van Dijk only makes a mistake once a year. And luckily for Liverpool, it’s after they win the Premier League title in a meaningless game against Arsenal.
Blushes = spared.
“I have to talk to Rachel Maddow. Only one of us can have this haircut.”
4. Leicester City. Points: 59.
5. Manchester United. Points: 59.
6. Wolves. Points: 56.
7. Tottenham Hotspur. Points: 55.
Only one team above can qualify for the 2020/21 Champions League.
And, at the moment, it looks like that team will be Manchester United.
“A book hasn’t caused me this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to that barber pole factory.”
AC Milan are causing Serie A defences serious trouble in recent weeks by doing one simple thing: shooting.
Shooting from everywhere; all of the time.
Since the restart, the revolutionary tactic of ‘kicking the ball toward the net’ around 17.4 times per game has led to I Rossoneri scoring a whopping 20 goals in their last seven games.
“No. I wasn’t going to buy two blimps and crash them into each other to see what sound they made.”
With FFP now clearly completely pointless, Manchester City can do whatever they want this summer.
If they want to sign a back-up full back for £80m to warm their bench – they can.
If they want to buy another club out in far east Asia – they can.
If they want to buy two blimps and crash them into each other to see what sound they made – they can.
“I don’t know a lot about business. …